Last week, we talked about what acceptance is, and how we make decisions to accept some things and to reject other things. I encouraged you to stop and reflect over the past week on what you accept and what you don’t accept into your life. Today I would like to ask you to think about what your acceptance does not mean.
- When you forgive someone or accept their apology, you aren’t accepting that what they did doesn’t matter or was okay. You are accepting that they acknowledge that they were wrong, and that their choices hurt you or brought pain into your life.
- When you keep your mouth shut when someone else is talking about something that you disagree with, it doesn’t mean that you agree with them when you don’t speak up in that moment. It means that you chose not to speak up at that time, but it doesn’t mean that you are giving up your voice forever on the subject. (By the way, not speaking up at that moment doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t have the conversation at a more appropriate time.)
- When you accept an invitation to get to know someone new, it does not mean that you are allowing them into the inner circle in your world, or making a commitment to them for the rest of your life. It means that you are open to exploring the opportunities and seeing where it might or might not take you.
- When you accept feedback from your boss, it doesn’t mean that you agree with it. It doesn’t even mean that you think it is accurate. You understand and realize that it is wise to listen, and then reflect upon it at a later time. For example . . . .
A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with my manager who set up a meeting with me to give me my 2020 performance review. Now, this manager is new to me and I knew that the previous year’s performance review was from a previous manager. For those of you that know me, I am a bit of a workaholic, and it is not uncommon for me to take my work laptop on vacation. And, I typically work a couple of extra hours per day or more, as is needed. It is also critical for me to do my work to the quality that I would want someone else to achieve if they were working for me. Last year, I supported international clients, which meant that I regularly worked overnight. My client reviews were consistently extraordinary, and identified my ROI at 200+%. We were 3 years ahead on our targets. There was no data that wasn’t exemplary.
But my performance review was not close to what it should have been. Now I knew in my gut that this was what was going to happen. So, when my manager shared it with me, I thanked her for letting me know, acknowledged that I received my copy through e-mail, and then asked if I could change the topic of the conversation. There was absolutely NOTHING that I could say that would change anything. AND, I believe that what happened was ultimately an answer to prayer . . . . A prayer that I had been making for about 5 years. (That’s a topic for another time.) So, I did what I needed to do — I accepted that I had no power or authority to impact the reality, and I let it go.
When I got out of the meeting, I realized that my emotions were pretty chapped about what had transpired. So, I spent a few minutes reflecting on my emotions, and quickly realized that I wasn’t looking to that manager, the previous one, or the company to know who I am, what I bring to the table, or how I pay my bills. I am grateful for the work and the opportunity to do good things for others. But I accept what I need to do. That has nothing to do with controlling how others respond to who I am or what I bring to the table. That is NOT something that I control, so I have to accept whatever response they give. That acceptance does not mean that I agree with what they do. It does, however, mean more about who they are, based on how they respond.
Accepting something that is wrong in the moment may be the best choice that you have. However, ignoring that it needs to be addressed with the other person at some point is typically a bad idea.
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