There are a number of types of relationships that we have with people and things. Sometimes we want to spend time with the person or the item every single day and multiple times per day, other times we want to establish just enough time with that person or thing to keep a relationship, but not invite it to be a critical one in our lives.
Everyone of us has a relationship with the twins of shame and guilt. We might think that it is an infrequent and casual relationship, but in my experience, the relationship is a deep and frequent contributor to our lives. We invite the twins into our lives without even realizing it. One example is acting like our parents when we parent our kids. We often act like our parents, as they were our role models of how to be a parent. But too often, we emulate the behavior of our parents that we found negative and hurtful, those behaviors that we say that we would ‘never do’ — but, in fact, we practice them on a daily basis. The good news is that once we become aware, we can change how we parent, but not without some intentional focus.
I have worked with a number of families for a very long time. Let me make one suggestion that will help with your relationship with the twins, as well as your relationships with your kids. Whenever your kids do something that you don’t like, and you become angry or upset, give yourself some space, before you open your mouth or dispense discipline of any kind. Depending upon their age, send them to their room without their phone, then go exercise. . . .do something. . . .do anything . . . .create some space for yourself!
A couple of weeks ago, I saw a dad, who was sitting on the couch, kick his son in the butt. Now, he didn’t hurt him. The dad was sitting down behind him, and it was the quickest reaction the dad could have made — and therein was the problem. He didn’t give himself any time. I was immediately transported to a time where I was listening to this same grown man talk about how his alcoholic dad had disciplined him. He was practicing what he learned from his parenting role model, his dad, and he was using that same angry alcoholic behavior on his son. The son was shocked, and immediately the twins rushed in to own the minute . . . .The son’s face was filled with shame and guilt, as the dad labeled the kid instead of the behavior. A small behavior difference on the part of the dad would have made a HUGE difference in the life of the kid. This is one of the stories that this child will tell in a few years, and this is how he will parent his kids.
Discipline is about correcting the behavior of the child, and helping the child to think about their other options, so that the next time, they make a wiser decision. Discipline is NOT about causing our kids to feel shame and guilt. The behavior may not be desirable, BUT THE KID IS VALUABLE AND WORTHY. After all, the kid is just a kid . . . . regardless of their age. All of our children are on a journey, and they aren’t at the ‘finished’ stage. It is our job as parents to help them learn, improve, and be better. Discipline is part of that process. It has to be. The twins of shame and guilt should not be part of a parent’s toolkit!
Where do you invite the awful twins of shame and guilt into your life, and into the lives of those that you love? How do you treat yourself when you mess up? Does your self-talk include shame and guilt? If it does, then I sincerely encourage you to get the twins out of your life — because if you are practicing this language with yourself, it will be very easy for you to use this same language with those that you love. It will become part of the way that you talk. You will regret it if you don’t get control of it – it will affect your kids, spouse, friends, employees, colleagues. Once the twins get a foothold in your life, they will make it very difficult for you to conceive of a reaction that doesn’t invite them to take the lead. But those alternative reactions exist, and are viable options for you. When you are dealing with someone, separate the person from the behavior. The person is worthy of love, even if the behavior is not. Give yourself the time and space to think through other options. Shut the twins down for a bit!
So, what is the alternative to the twins . . . . well, there are a set of triplets that I will introduce you to in a future article this month. They hold others accountable for mistakes and negative behavior. When used well, the triplets allow the behavior to be different from the person. Memaw Wisdom Coaching is here to help you work on improving the behaviors in your life that need to be addressed. Check out our website, sign up for a free 30 minute consultation, or apply for a coaching package. We are here to help you with what you need to work on. Now is a good time, because 2020 is close to ending. Do you want the twins to take the lead in 2021 as well? They will if you don’t give yourself a viable alternative.
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